First of all, a happy New Year to you, and I really do hope that the recent festive season was a more bearable one for you than it was for me. I haven’t yet explained how it came about that I spent three nights over the Christmas period lying (mostly) alone in my bed knowing that only a fragile wall separated me from Eddy. And how it was that I’d toss and turn all night, moaning in frustration as I shivered, uncomfortably guilty about the desire that I felt for someone who, it seems, has to remain physically and morally out of reach. But I also believed that I had earned the right to take what little pleasure I could from the situation in which I found myself and so, the tender smile that curved his lips when we first glimpsed each other, the gentle reassurance and understanding in his deep, dark brown eyes, the swooping lift of his eyebrow as he gently teased, all floated and swirled in my memory and my heart pounded, beating with a ferocity that threatened to overwhelm. Night after night, in the sudden loneliness, faced with the separation that had now become the norm, I couldn’t prevent my fingers straying towards my inner thigh, stroking, edging towards the centre of my need while all the time knowing it was excruciatingly, impossibly wrong to want Eddy so badly. And still my fingers arrowed towards the heat that ebbed and flowed, swirling around my hardening nipples, making them swell and pucker, the silk of my pyjamas grazing hardened tips with the rise and fall of my laboured breathing.

And, God help me, I imagined Eddy’s full lips, a burning furnace encircling my desperate nipple as I cradled his head and pulled him towards me. A sharp stab of delight as his white teeth captured and nibbled sending a shard of excitement and anticipation deep into my groin as, once again brought back to my chill, solitary room, I groaned in an anguished mixture of delight and despair.

Turning to the wall that divided me and Eddy, I squeezed my breast, hard, sharp nails digging into flesh, eyes wide open as if to bore a hole into the bricks. Fingers that I passionately wished were his began to stroke the soft flesh of inner thigh as my flesh tightened. I held my breath as I found the sensitive tip of my clitoris and teased, infinitesimally lightly, feathering back and forth, back and forth as I thought of Eddy’s touch as his arm encircled my shoulders, enveloping me in the warmth of his embrace, his long, tapered fingers resting so close to the curve of my breast. Pressing harder, I moved my hips back and forth, rocking gently, savouring the sensuous thrill, the crescendo of sensation. Turning onto my back, I allowed my thighs to fall open, as if offering myself up to Eddy, feeling the slick flow of honeyed liquid as I pictured him, looming over me, descending nearer and nearer. I bit down hard on my lip, trying hard to suppress the moan of pleasure and despair as I could almost feel the weight of his heavy body as lowered himself and his bare skin touched against mine…

But I haven’t told you how I managed to get myself into this intolerable situation. I’ve described how I met Ricky and how I fell in love for the first time on that idyllic Caribbean island. How I allowed myself to forget what awaited me in London, the one person who seemed to be the only obstacle to a perfect future with the guy I wanted so badly. The time when I’d have to leave was frighteningly imminent. I had to prepare myself and no one could help me.

Jade Williams
Author of Body and Soul

14 January 2009

For brief moments – almost fleetingly – I allow myself to think of the sweet torture of my last night on the island. It became unbearably impossible to hold back my desire for Ricky and one more touch, another glancing caress might have weakened me irretrievably. But with an almost irresistible sensitivity, Ricky didn’t push me over the limit. I guess I believed that before the unfinished business that awaited in England was finally completed, it would have felt unclean to finally make love with Ricky; it would have jinxed any possible relationship between us.

And so I allowed myself to sink into his embrace was the warm evening breeze swept across the waves and as he held me, softly stroking the delicate skin on the inside of my arm, nuzzling into the hollow below my ear, gently humming one of the fledgling tunes that swirled around his brain, I wanted this idyllic moment to last forever and ever. I closed my eyes and thought only of this time, this unrepeatable and perfect portion of time. I relaxed into the hollow of his body, closed my eyes and let the waves of passion subside to a distant ebb and flow, ebb and flow…

I left the island in October, returning to the evening chill of a London morning. My parents were there to meet me and I rushed into their embrace, surprising myself by the lurch of emotion I felt at seeing them again. My mother kissed the top of my head and Dad turned me to him, lifting my chin and examining my features with the intensity of a scientist. He nodded once, smiled and said, ‘Looking good, child. Barbados must have worked its old magic.'

It wasn’t long before – once supper dishes had been cleared away and all the news of the family had been disclosed – my mother and I were alone in the kitchen. Dad was listening to the football match and my sister banished to her room to get on with homework.

‘So, darling…’ Mum paused, and took the plate that I was supposed to by drying. ‘Before you wipe the pattern away, who is he?’

‘Who?’

‘Whoever is making you smile that way when you think nobody is looking, when you just can’t help yourself.’

‘You know me too well.’

‘You’re my child. And I was young once, too.’

‘It’s complicated, Mum.’

‘It sometimes is.’

I was stopped in my tracks, wondering who in Mum’s life could have been ‘complicated’. Couldn’t possibly have been my father, surely.

I told Mum about Ricky, leaving out the complications. How could I explain that to her? She didn’t press and I was grateful for that.

The kitchen had been warm after Mum’s baking but I now felt the chill of the evening seeping into my bones. There was no point in delaying the inevitable. I would have to make contact with Ollie. If there were ever to be a relationship between me and Ricky, I’d have to clear out the cupboard of my past. I suddenly wanted to weep. I excused myself on the grounds of jetlag and went up to my room. I closed the door, sat on my bed and wept for what seemed like hours. Soothed, finally, by the comforting sounds of my parents securing the house at night, the back and forth of their idle chatter my comfort blanked, I picked up my mobile and dialled Ollie’s number.

Jade Williams
Author of Body and Soul

21 January 2009

The next days passed in a swirl of nervous tension. There was nothing to alleviate the fear that sat behind my eyes like a heavy, sodden pad of cotton wool, a constant reminder of the threat that I needed to dispel. To be honest, I had much too much time on my hands. I didn’t intend to go back to university until the autumn, by which time Adam would have graduated and I wouldn’t be faced with the unbearable guilt.

Don’t think that I chickened out of calling Ollie. I had steeled myself and on the first morning back, once I had the house to myself, I paced back and forth for only a few moments and then snatched up the phone and dialled the number that I hadn’t been able to wipe from my brain. I could almost hear my heart pounding and I hugged myself from the sudden chill that raised the hairs on my arm. I hadn’t rehearsed what I would say, but I just had to get this over with. So I waited, tugging at a stray curl as the ring, ring, ring seemed to reverberate around the room. And then, a distant click as the answering machine swung into action with an anonymous corporate voice, ‘…is unable to take your call. Please leave a message after the tone...’

I almost panicked. Stupidly, I hadn’t even considered this eventuality. What message could I possibly leave? I hung up, dropping the phone as if it burned. I tried again. And again. And again. Sneaking down the stairs to make that early-morning call or else lingering downstairs night to take each late-night opportunity. All without success. Day after day, nerves on edge, anxiety building to almost tangible terror as I explored a previously unconsidered possibility. What if they’d moved? How on earth would I contact Ollie? Would I have to live with the threat of his revelations hanging over me for ever?

Ricky called as often as he could. His vacation was over, too, and he’d flown to Jamaica to work on a new album. I wasn’t responding to him in the relaxed carefree way that we’d established by the time I left Barbados, but my worry coloured my every reply and added unwelcome nuances to each endearment that left my lips.

‘What’s wrong, Babe?’

‘Just missing you.’

‘You sure that's all? I’ll be back soon, Jade. Only a couple of months.’

‘I can’t wait.’

The banalities I spoke echoed around my head, reminding me of how much was at stake. But there was no way that I wanted to explain to Ricky. I was more ashamed than I ever had been. And then Mum began to ask the same question: What’s wrong?

The need to sort out my predicament became more urgent and my calls became more frequent and more frantic. I wanted to scream out of rage and intense frustration. Then, finally:

‘Hello?’

A deep, warm, husky voice that surprised me. I hadn’t expected Bea to answer.

‘Hello? Hello?’

What the hell could I say to her?

‘Who is this?’ I had to speak. I knew that she’d put the phone down if I didn’t come up with something.

‘Is he there?’

‘Is that you, Jade?’

‘Is he there?’

Silence. And then the voice that had once meant so much to me.

‘Jade! How good to hear from you. I wondered when you’d call.’ An infuriating laugh. ‘I guess you want to know what you can do for me….’

Jade Williams
Author of Body and Soul

28 January 2009

I don’t know whether he chose the location out of an incredible lack of sensitivity or in order to reinforce in my mind the knowledge that he had me in his clutches once again. Whatever the reason, I headed towards the pub where we’d met so often during the early days of our ‘relationship’, my feet dragging with an immense reluctance the nearer I got. All kinds of emotions churned inside of me. I really, really, didn’t want to have to see Ollie again after all we’d been through and I certainly had no desire to be in close confines with him, to feel his burning eyes on me, to sense the thoughts that lay behind every word that tripped from his lips.

I had to admit to myself that during the past months, every single moment of our times together had been recalled, filtered through the lens of my dispassionate scrutiny. And I’d come to the conclusion that there was an element of pure evil in Ollie. He scared me. I didn’t want to admit it to myself, but there it was. I certainly didn’t want him to see my fear.

I wanted to linger, but I had to hurry across the road as the traffic lights changed and impatient drivers revved their engines. A soft glow emanated from the pub and the sounds of music and laughter assaulted me. I could have turned and run away, but this was a hurdle that had to be faced – if there was to be any kind of future between Ricky and me. And I’d decided that that was what I wanted more than anything else. Standing for just a split second, I took a deep breath and, quite deliberately, pushed my shoulders back and held my head high. This would have to be an Oscar-winning performance, but the prize at the end of it would be worth it.

I’d expected him to keep me waiting, but he was there, sitting at ‘our’ usual table, a pint of beer half finished and a glass of chilled white wine awaiting me. Curiously, the sight of the beads of moisture slowly cascading down the surface only served to stoke the fire of anger that had been simmering for quite some time now.

I could feel the tension that froze the muscles in my jaws as I approached. Ollie stood, still towering above me (why had I expected that to change?). He stooped and kissed my cheek, fingers lingering along the curve of my shoulder. I steeled myself not to shrink from his touch.

‘Jade.’ Even that one word was imbued with an intention that, seemingly, had never been so overt in the past. Or perhaps I’d just not wanted to see it.

Ollie covered my hand with his, sliding the glass towards me. I ignored it, forcing myself not to shudder.

‘It’s been a while.’ I looked away from him and withdrew my hand, twirling the stem of the glass.

‘I can’t tell you how much I’ve missed you, Jade. We’ve missed you.’

I looked at him then. I wondered what on earth had attracted me to him in the first place. The full sensual lips were now merely lascivious. The blue eyes, no longer sensitive and understanding, but falsely manipulative. And the touch of those fingers...

‘Ollie, you know why we’re here. Let’s get it over with. Just tell me what you want.’

He leaned back in his chair, stretching long legs towards me, smiling. The fabric of his trousers grazed my thigh and I repressed the unwanted images of his bare skin against mine, limbs entwined, the pad of his fingers pressing against the willing, sensitive points of utmost surrender, ineffable need giving way to the force of his calculated technique of arousal. The sight of the automatic tenting of arousal around his groin swayed the balance of power, but I didn't want this challenge.

‘If that’s the way you want it.’

‘You’re a bastard, Ollie. I have to get away from you and Bea and everything you represent.’

‘You’ve found someone else, haven’t you. I can see luuurrrrve in your eyes. Who is he?’ Ollie laughed. Genuine amusement creased his features.

He knew me well, but he’d sunk even lower than I could possibly have imagined. My eyes met his and I hoped that the hatred I felt could burn through his skin.

‘Don’t worry, Jade. Nothing too difficult.’

A raised eyebrow must have transmitted my scepticism.’

'I just want you to come with us to a ceremony.’

I held my breath. Maybe I'd misjudge him. What could be so wrong with that?

‘An awards ceremony.’ Sounded good to me.

And then Ollie laughed. The most frightening sound I had ever heard.

Jade Williams
Author of Body and Soul

Read Jade's previous blogs:

May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008

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